The war within: why we stay loyal to parents who hurt us—and how to finally choose yourself – Part two

In the first part of this series, we explored the biological mandate that forces children to remain loyal to unsafe parents and the specific 'blueprints' they develop to survive a 'war zone' home. However, the tragedy of childhood trauma is that survival strategies have no expiration date; they often morph into deeply set adult patterns that continue to dictate our worth and relationships. In this second part, we will examine the persistence of the past through the lens of repetition compulsion and the devastating influence of the internalized inner critic. We will then move into the essential work of recovery, detailing the progressive steps of healing—from shrinking the critic and the power of grieving to the transformative process of reparenting your inner child and establishing fierce boundaries for your own protection.

The persistence of the past: survival strategies in adulthood

These strategies do not simply disappear the moment you move out of your parents' house; they nestle into your psyche as an invisible operating system. Many adults find that the patterns they learned as children—such as needing to be strong at all times, suppressing emotions, and constantly prioritizing others' needs—remain their daily reality decades later.

Repetition compulsion: why the unsafe feels "familiar"

One of the most destructive phenomena in adulthood is repetition compulsion. Adults who were "trained" - or how I like to call it: “groomed” - to tolerate narcissistic behavior often find themselves in relationships or jobs that mirror the toxic dynamics of their childhood. Because these dynamics feel "familiar" and "normal," survivors often have an extremely high tolerance for boundary-crossing behavior.

You might find yourself unconsciously choosing a partner or a boss who, much like your parent once did, demands constant "fawning" or people-pleasing. You may recognize the unsafe behavior, but your system is so programmed to sacrifice your own needs to keep the peace that you struggle to mount a defense.

The totalitarian inner critic

Over time, the critical voice of the parent is internalized as your own inner voice. While this mechanism kept you "safe" by forcing you to adapt to a parent's demands, in adulthood it transforms into a totalitarian inner critic that attacks you for any sign of imperfection. Pete Walker (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving) describes how this critic utilizes "negative noticing": a constant preoccupation with defects and dangers.

A common example is Imposter Syndrome. Even if you are objectively successful—perhaps you achieved a 99% score on a project—the inner critic will obsess over the missing 1%, convincing you that you are a failure. You feel like a fraud, certain that if people truly knew you, they would see how worthless you are.

If you find yourself constantly waiting to be 'exposed' as a fraud despite your hard-earned achievements, I invite you to read my latest blog post where I dive deeper into the roots and recovery of imposter syndrome.

The information diet: the exhaustion of hiding for safety

In adulthood, survivors often find that being authentic with their parents is impossible because any personal detail can be criticized, attacked, or weaponized. To survive the ongoing relationship, they adopt what is known as an "information diet". This means being incredibly careful about what you share, keeping details to a minimum, and using boring, neutral language—a technique often called "grey rocking".

While this strategy is a necessary protective measure to limit the "fuel" or "supply" you offer a narcissistic parent, it is exhausting and unnatural to maintain forever. Living on an information diet means you can never truly be seen or known by your family of origin. You are forced to remain a "disappearing self," even as an adult, just to avoid being ruined. This constant filtering creates a profound sense of isolation and loneliness, as you must essentially wear a mask to stay safe in your own family.

Deep-rooted chronic guilt: the "selfish" trap

Perhaps the most heavy burden carried into adulthood is chronic guilt. Because you were conditioned to believe that your parent's happiness was your responsibility, the moment you try to set a boundary or choose your own needs, you are hit with a crushing sense of being "selfish". This guilt acts as a director of your life, even long after you have moved out.

It is important to understand that this guilt is often camouflaged fear. You are not actually doing anything wrong, but your nervous system associates autonomy with the danger of abandonment. You may feel a "bizarre pressure" to constantly prove your worth or crave approval that never comes. During the process of "detachment”, this guilt can feel overwhelming because you have been trained (groomed) to ignore your own "human rights" in favor of the parent's ego. Recognizing that feeling guilty does not mean you are guilty is a pivotal realization in your healing journey.

The toll of survival: chronic stress and burnout

Living "outside of yourself" for years eventually demands a physical and mental price. Burnout in adult children of toxic parents is rarely just the result of working too hard; it is the result of years of structural survival. Your nervous system is exhausted from walking on eggshells, suppressing authentic emotions, and relinquishing control over your own life.

Many survivors report chronic headaches, fatigue, or physical collapse as their system finally signals that it has had enough.

 

Reclaiming the authentic self: the path to healing

Healing from a childhood loyalty conflict is not a single event, but a process of peeling back the protective layers you were forced to build. It is the courageous movement from merely surviving to flourishing. This road is often "windy and bumpy," involving a "two steps forward, one step back" progression where you gradually learn to meet your own unmet developmental needs.

To support your journey, here are the core pillars of reclaiming your self, accompanied by practical exercises.

1. Eradicate denial and embrace the truth

The foundation of recovery is recognizing the truth of your upbringing without minimization or justification. You must stop "keeping the peace" for parents who broke that peace long ago through abuse or neglect. Many survivors struggle with "de-minimization" because they were never hit, yet emotional neglect and verbal abuse can be just as damaging. Acknowledging that your pain is real is a vital step toward taking yourself seriously.

Exercise: The "Not normal" list. Take a piece of paper and write down three specific childhood experiences that you usually downplay with "it wasn't that bad". Next to each, write the objective truth: "It was not normal for a child to be responsible for a parent's happiness" or "It was not normal to be neglected for expressing sadness". Read this aloud to yourself to help anchor your experience in reality.

2. Shrink the inner critic

Your recovery work aims to make your brain "user-friendly" by eliminating the destructive thoughts you were indoctrinated with. The totalitarian inner critic uses "negative noticing" to obsess over your defects. To dismantle this, you must use thought-substitution and thought-correction. Whenever the critic demands perfection, you must answer back: "Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I have a right to make mistakes".

Exercise: The progress mantra. When you feel a "critic attack" coming on—often felt as a wave of shame or "imposter syndrome"—stop and breathe. Say to yourself: "Progress, not perfection". Follow this by naming one thing you did "well enough" today, focusing on the 99% that went right rather than the 1% that didn't.

3. The restorative power of grieving 

Grieving is an "irreplaceable tool" for processing the loss of the childhood you deserved. Effective grieving involves angering to build a "fight response" for self-protection and crying to foster self-compassion. This process allows you to "metabolize" old feelings of fear and abandonment rather than being stuck in them.

Exercise: Verbal ventilation. Grieving is often enhanced by "verbal ventilation"—speaking or writing your pain into the light. Spend ten minutes journaling about a current frustration, but allow yourself to "color your words" with the underlying anger or sadness you felt as a child in similar situations. If you feel safe, do this aloud in a private space, giving your inner child permission to finally be heard.

4. Reparenting your inner child

Since your biological parents failed to provide adequate care, you must learn to parent yourself through self-mothering (unconditional self-acceptance) and self-fathering (assertiveness and protection). This helps install self-compassion and self-protection at the core of your being.

Exercise: The time machine rescue. Close your eyes and imagine yourself traveling back to a moment when you felt most abandoned as a child. Visualize your adult self entering the room. Tell that child: "I am here now. I am a powerful adult, and I will protect you. You never have to be alone with their neglect again". Imagine bringing that child into a safe place in your heart where they are always welcome.

5. Establishing fierce boundaries

Reclaiming your "Human Bill of Rights" includes the right to say "no" without guilt. Every time you protect your time, energy, or space, you are saying "yes" to your own autonomy. In cases of extreme betrayal, this may include "No Contact" (NC) as an act of essential self-preservation.

Exercise: The boundary script. Identify one small area where you are currently "fawning" or over-comprising. Write a simple, two-sentence script: "I cannot do that for you right now. I need to prioritize my own rest". Practice saying this in front of a mirror. Notice the fear that arises, and practice "feeling the fear and doing it anyway".

6. Relational healing

Recovery is rarely a solo journey; it is enhanced by "reparenting by committee". Finding safe, trustworthy allies — whether a therapist, a trauma-informed coach, or a support group — allows you to experience reciprocal relating. As you bring your authentic vulnerability to safe people, you replace self-abandonment with a sense of belonging to yourself and the world.

Exercise: The safe-circle assessment. Look at your current relationships. Who allows you to be "imperfect"? Who listens as much as they talk? Identify one person who feels "safe enough" and practice sharing one small, authentic truth about your feelings this week. Notice how it feels to be seen without being judged.

 

A compassionate invitation to thriving

Recognizing these survival strategies within yourself is a profound act of courage; it is the moment the "disappearing self" begins to resurface. While these patterns were once ingenious life-saving mechanisms, dismantling them as an adult is a complex journey that is rarely a solo endeavor.

If you recognize your own reflection in these dynamics, I warmly invite you to book a free, no-obligation introductory meeting with me (I am a certified trauma coach). Together, we can explore your specific experiences and see how a specialized coaching trajectory can help you break the cycle of self-abandonment, shrink your inner critic, and finally build a life rooted in your own authentic truth.

You have carried the weight of your childhood loyalty for long enough—now is the time to choose a fierce allegiance to yourself.

With love, An-Karlien