The war within: why we stay loyal to parents who hurt us—and how to finally choose yourself – Part one

Choosing between being loyal to a parent or remaining true to yourself is one of the most agonizing internal struggles a human being can face. For many who grew up in toxic environments, "keeping the peace" with a parent has required starting a silent, devastating war inside their own souls. This loyalty conflict is not a mere disagreement; it is a profound phenomenon where an individual’s psychological survival has depended on a bond that simultaneously requires them to disappear as an individual.

If you have ever felt a crushing sense of guilt for setting a boundary, or if you find yourself constantly self-sabotaging to stay "small" enough for your family, you are likely navigating the echoes of a childhood loyalty conflict. This article explores the biological roots of this loyalty, how it is weaponized in toxic families, and how you can finally dismantle these survival strategies to reclaim your authentic self. 

The biological imperative: why children cannot help being loyal

Childhood loyalty to a parent is not a moral choice or a character trait; it is a biological mandate. Human infants are born in a state of absolute isolation and dependence, programmed "right out of the gates of life" to seek connection for survival.

Connection as survival

In the wild, an abandoned infant dies. In a human home, an emotionally abandoned infant faces a psychological death just as terrifying. Because the parent represents the child's entire world and their only means of staying alive, the child has no choice but to remain loyal, even when that parent is neglectful, volatile, or abusive.

The evolutionary basis of attachment

Biologically, we are hard-wired to adapt to our environment. If the "environment"—the parent—is unsafe, the child's brain will prioritize attachment over authenticity. To ensure the parent remains present, the child will unthinkingly suppress any part of themselves—emotions, needs, or even their own personality—that might annoy or drive away the caregiver. This loyalty is a life-saving mechanism in childhood, but it becomes a prison in adulthood.

 

The architect of the conflict: loyalty in toxic and narcissistic systems

In healthy families, loyalty is built on mutual respect and love. However, in toxic or narcissistic family systems, this natural loyalty is exploited through coercive control and emotional manipulation.

The child as a tool

Narcissistic parents do not view their children as separate human beings with their own rights. Instead, the child is seen as a "self-adjunct" or an extension of the parent's ego. The child’s only "job" is to reflect well on the parent or to provide "narcissistic supply" in the form of praise, attention, or service.

The risk of "soul murder"

When a child's natural emotions—like sadness or anger—are met with disgust or punishment, they experience what some psychologists call "soul murder". The child learns that their authentic feelings are dangerous. To survive, they alienate themselves from their own internal world, leading to a "disappearing self".

The short-term consequence is an "adapted self" that lives to survive. The long-term consequence is a life-long sense of inner emptiness, chronic stress, and a total loss of autonomy. The adult child may physically leave the home, but they continue to live "over their shoulder," constantly checking if their parent would approve of their choices.

 

The blueprint of survival: categorizing the defense strategies

Children of unsafe or narcissistic parents employ various complex survival strategies to remain loyal. This loyalty is an automatic survival mechanism that can persist into adulthood, where the victim denies their own needs in favor of the parent.

1. Fawn behavior (people-pleasing)

This is one of the most direct ways children remain loyal by learning that safety and connection can be bought through becoming a compliant servant to the parent.

• Self-abandonment: The child forfeits their own boundaries, preferences, and opinions to avoid upsetting the parent.

• Seeking harmony: They constantly try to maintain the mood and smooth over tensions, often at their own expense.

• Hypervigilance: They become experts at "reading" the parent's moods to please them proactively and avert danger.

• Example: A daughter becomes a "helper" or "servant," essentially becoming the parent's "court jester" to maintain harmony and keep her mother from getting angry.

2. Flight response (the perfectionist)

The child tries to outrun the pain and danger by being flawless.

• Achievement drive: The child attempts to earn approval by delivering exceptional performances that the parent can boast about as part of their own image.

• Example: A son becomes a "busyholic," obsessively focusing on achieving top grades and perfect behavior, believing that if he is "smart and helpful enough," his parents will finally love him.

3. Freeze response (the lost child)

The child escapes by becoming invisible and dissociating from reality.

• The lost child: These children make themselves invisible and make no demands. This is a survival strategy to avoid direct criticism or the parent's unpredictable volatility.

• Example: To avoid direct criticism, a child becomes self-reliant and unobtrusive, hiding away in books or video games to stay off the parent’s radar entirely.

4. Fight response (the bully-in-training)

The child learns that power and control are the only ways to feel safe.

• Example: An older sibling mimics the narcissistic parent’s behavior, bullying younger siblings to gain a sense of control and avoid being the target themselves.

5. Parentification (the "caregiver" role)

In this strategy, the roles are reversed: the child takes responsibility for the emotional or practical well-being of the parent.

• The caregiver: The child functions as a confidant, an "emotional coach," or even a substitute spouse. In narcissistic families, the child is often used to ensure the parent's happiness; if the parent is happy, the child is temporarily safe.

• Example: A child is forced to act as the parent's "substitute spouse," listening to the parent's problems while their own needs go completely unmet.

6. Cognitive strategies: denial and the inner critic

To maintain the illusion of a loving bond, adult children use mental mechanisms.

• Minimization: They justify the parent's behavior or downplay the abuse with phrases like "it wasn't that bad" or "they meant well".

• Internalization: The parent's critical voice becomes the child's own inner voice. This "totalitarian inner critic" attacks the self for any sign of imperfection.

These survival strategies—fawning, perfectionism, invisibility, or taking on the weight of a parent’s world—were not choices; they were ingenious biological adaptations to an impossible environment. While these mechanisms successfully preserved your connection to your caregivers, they often required the disappearance of your authentic self. Recognizing these patterns is a profound act of courage, yet understanding their origin is only the first step.

To truly heal, we must look at how these childhood defense mechanisms have hardened into the invisible prisons of our adult lives. In the second part of this series, I will explore how these strategies persist in adulthood and, more importantly, provide a practical map for reclaiming your autonomy and voice.

Continue to part II here.