Why you keep reliving the same patterns (and what that says about you)

Introduction: The invisible puppeteer in our relationships

Have you ever found yourself irritated by a coworker’s tone, only to realize later that your reaction wasn’t really about them? Or maybe you keep attracting the “same type” of partner, and wonder why old hurts keep replaying? These experiences are not just coincidences — they’re subtle workings of what psychologists call reflections and projections.

These unconscious emotional forces are like invisible puppeteers, pulling the strings of our behavior and reactions without us even noticing. They often manifest in daily interactions and silently shape our relationships, decisions, and ultimately, our lives. In this article, I’ll unpack these concepts clearly, explore how they influence both your personal and professional life, and provide practical ways to break free from these repetitive patterns.

What are reflections and projections?

Defining reflections: Emotional mirrors from our past

A reflection is an experience in your present life that unexpectedly brings up an old, unprocessed emotional memory. It can be a situation, a behavior of someone else, or even a random event that triggers feelings deeply buried in your subconscious.

Imagine your neighbor snapping at you abruptly. On the surface, it seems like a minor incident. But emotionally, it hits a nerve because it mirrors your childhood experience with a dismissive or angry parent. This is a reflection — the neighbor’s behavior reflects back to you an unresolved emotional wound from your past.

Defining projections: The automatic reaction to reflections

A projection is the automatic, unconscious behavior or reaction that you show in response to a reflection. Rather than responding consciously to the present moment, you react as if you are still dealing with the original source of pain or fear.

Using the example above, instead of calmly addressing your neighbor’s behavior, you might respond with disproportionate anger or withdrawal — as if you were defending yourself from your parent’s rejection years ago. This reactive behavior is a projection: you’re projecting the old emotional charge onto the present situation.

A simple metaphor to understand reflection and projection

Think of your subconscious emotional wounds as unseen cracks in a mirror. When life’s situations — the “reflections” — shine light on these cracks, the mirror distorts the image. Your reaction — the “projection” — is how you see and respond to the distorted image, not the reality behind it.

So, reflections are like the cracks in the mirror that reveal old wounds, and projections are your automatic, emotional response to that distortion. Until you repair the cracks (heal the wounds), you’ll keep seeing distorted versions of people and situations, reacting not to who they truly are, but to your past pain.

How reflections and projections show up in everyday life

In your personal life

1. Partners:

   You might find yourself repeatedly frustrated by a partner’s criticism, but often, this is a reflection of a parental voice you internalized as a child. Your projection is reacting defensively or shutting down emotionally — even if your partner’s intention wasn’t harsh.

2. Friends:

   A friend’s casual remark might unexpectedly sting, triggering feelings of abandonment or rejection that relate to childhood experiences with siblings or caregivers. Your projection might be withdrawing or over-explaining yourself unnecessarily.

3. Family members:

   Recurring conflicts with parents or siblings often happen because you’re projecting childhood dynamics onto adult relationships. For example, a sibling’s teasing might tap into old feelings of not being “good enough,” and your projection might be anger or self-doubt.

4. Children:

   Parents often project their own unresolved fears onto their children, expecting them to behave or achieve in certain ways that reflect the parents’ unmet needs. This can create tension and misunderstanding on both sides.

Your romantic partner might be reflecting back to you the internalized critical voice of one of your parents.

In your professional life

1. Managers and leaders:

   If you have a manager who micromanages, you might unconsciously recall a critical parent, and your projection might be defensiveness or resentment that actually relates to that early experience rather than your manager’s actual behavior.

2. Team members and colleagues:

   A colleague’s abrupt communication style might trigger your projection if it resembles a former boss or teacher who was harsh or dismissive. Instead of responding professionally, you might feel anxiety or withdraw from collaboration.

3. Clients and service providers:

   In coaching, therapy, or medical relationships, clients often project onto their coach or therapist qualities of past authority figures, shaping the dynamic unconsciously.

4. Subordinates:

   Leaders might project their own unmet childhood needs for approval onto employees, leading to unrealistic expectations or controlling behaviors.

A micromanaging executive might evoke the emotional memory of a highly controlling parent.

Positive vs. negative projections: The two sides of the same coin

Most people associate projections with negative emotions like fear, anger, or sadness. But there is also a positive projection, which is just as unconscious and rooted in unmet childhood needs.

• Negative projection: Reacting with fear, anger, or pain toward others because they trigger old wounds.

• Positive projection: Idealizing or attributing qualities to others that you unconsciously wished to receive from your original caregivers.

For example, you might unconsciously put a new partner on a pedestal because they embody qualities your parents lacked. While this feels good, it’s still a projection, not a fully authentic connection based on who the other person truly is.

Breaking the cycle: How to heal and reclaim your authentic relationships

Step 1: Become aware of your triggers

The first step is mindfulness. Notice when you feel unexpectedly upset, anxious, or overly reactive. These moments are your reflections calling attention to old wounds.

Step 2: Pause and observe without reacting

Instead of immediately responding, take a deep breath. Allow yourself to observe the emotional charge inside without judgment or the urge to act on it.

Step 3: Identify the source of the reflection

Ask yourself: “What old memory or feeling might this remind me of?” This step can be supported by journaling, therapy, or coaching.

Step 4: Feel and integrate the emotion

Fully allow yourself to experience the emotion. This is the healing process: feeling the old pain so it no longer unconsciously drives your behavior.

Step 5: See the other person as they truly are

Make a conscious effort to separate your old stories from the present moment and view others without the distortion of projection.

Final thoughts and invitation

Understanding reflections and projections is like uncovering a hidden emotional GPS guiding your reactions and relationships. By becoming aware and healing these patterns, you unlock the freedom to respond authentically and build healthier connections both at home and at work.

If you notice yourself stuck in repetitive relationship patterns — whether with partners, family, friends, or colleagues — and want to explore how to break free, I invite you to book a free discovery call with me (feel free to write me a short e-mail at hello@unlockyourbestself.today). Let’s uncover your unique story and start transforming your emotional world together.