Family constellations: My deepest insights as the daughter of a narcissistic mother

Introduction

My first family constellation took place almost six years ago and turned out to be an intensely emotional experience. I cried my heart out while watching the constellation unfold, and in that movement, I began releasing the sorrow of a childhood marked by neglect and abuse.

It was a deeply moving constellation that also stirred strong emotions among the representatives (stand-ins) and those witnessing it. For the first time, I felt seen and validated for things I had sensed my entire life but could never fully grasp or name. Suddenly, everything stood clearly before me — represented in the field: the painful truth of my childhood and youth, laid out unmistakably before my eyes and those of everyone present.

Over the years, I have taken part in many more personal constellations — not all as extensive as the first one, but each of them confronting and, at times, surprisingly enlightening. In every constellation where my mother — or rather, the woman who gave me life, for she mothered me very little — was represented, it became abundantly clear that she was not a healthy, emotionally mature, or loving woman. Time and again, I received confirmation that the mother–daughter bond in my family system (in which I held the child position) was, at best, dysfunctional — and certainly not what one would expect of a “normal” mother–daughter relationship.

In every constellation with a stand-in standing for my mother, it was extremely difficult to initiate movement. Even the smallest, most compassionate invitation towards connection was met with resistance or no response at all. This made it all the more painful, from the child position, to face that same wall of silence and immobility over and over again.

After each constellation, I would write down my observations and insights. The essence of those reflections is what I wish to share here — as a daughter of a narcissistic mother.

 

Insights about my mother

1. My mother is deeply traumatised

Now that I am a certified trauma coach myself, I can clearly identify certain reactions I observe in constellations as trauma responses. Without hesitation, I can say that my mother consistently appears in a “freeze” state. In every constellation, her stand-in stands rigid and motionless, barely responding to stimuli from the facilitator, from me, or from others in the field.

It is painfully clear that her nervous system is trapped in survival mode — a state that can only stem from unresolved trauma.

2. My mother wants to be the child and cannot take the parental role

In every constellation, the stand-in for my mother proves unable to show healthy, mature responses to kind invitations or instructions. She cannot position herself as a parent towards the child, nor can she take on the responsibility that role requires. Across constellations, this recurring pattern shows me that the parental position is emotionally inaccessible to her.

3. My mother is emotionally immature

The reactions and feedback from her stand-ins to gentle invitations, questions, or guidance are consistently immature — at times even childlike. Her emotional development seems frozen at the stage of a child still needing care and direction.

4. Her identity is rooted in shame and a fragile sense of self

Each time her stand-in enters the field, she lowers her head and avoids eye contact, gazing at the ground. Only once have I witnessed her manage to lift her gaze and look at me — and that only after repeated requests.

This non-verbal behaviour speaks volumes. The verbal feedback from stand-ins confirms it again and again: my mother carries a great deal of shame and has a weak sense of self. She feels threatened by her own children and perceives herself as smaller than others.

5. She has completely shut down

She is not receptive to invitations, suggestions, or encouragement from others. In every constellation, her stand-in barely responds to guidance from the facilitator or attempts at connection. Interaction with others remains minimal.

This woman lives in a kind of psychological lockdown, functioning entirely from survival. No facilitator has ever truly managed to reach her. Each constellation once again ends at that same wall of silence and stillness.

It is, of course, essential to interpret her stand-in’s posture and movements in the context of the constellation’s intention. Verbal and non-verbal signals are always present but take on slightly different meanings depending on the question or purpose of the constellation.

 

Insights about my family system (specifically: my female line)

1. Intergenerational trauma

The same dysfunctional patterns, emotional immaturity, and trauma responses appear among stand-ins standing for women in earlier generations. Time and again, I observe emotional immaturity and a lack of responsiveness to questions or invitations from the facilitator or myself.

The pain, quite literally, gets passed from one generation to the next.

2. The children must care for the parents

I hardly need a constellation to see this — it has been evident to me since childhood. There was always an unspoken expectation, even a demand, that I care for my parents: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In my father’s line, that expectation also included financial responsibility.

The constellations made this painfully visible: in my family system, the roles are reversed. The parents are supported by the children — instead of the other way around, as it should be in a healthy, loving family.

In one of the most recent constellations, the women in my lineage said to me, quite literally:

“We cannot give you what you long for.” They were referring to the love, warmth, safety, and support that every child should receive unconditionally from their parents — but that, in our family, is absent.

3. Profound unawareness

Behaviours, patterns, and coping mechanisms are never questioned; they are simply accepted, repeated, and passed on. There is no reflection on interpersonal conflict, toxic dynamics, communication, or emotions. Self-reflection has no place in my family system.

4. A total absence of motherly love and vulnerability

This realisation was one of the hardest to accept. Somewhere, I had hoped that at least one woman in my maternal line — perhaps not too many generations back — might have been warm and loving. But the constellations revealed otherwise.

When we once placed the entire female lineage in the field, not a trace of softness, vulnerability, or motherliness could be found. Hardness and emotional distance are passed from one woman to the next. Emotions may be noticed, but they are instantly suppressed or denied — never expressed. No softness. No vulnerability. This was one of the most confronting observations I have ever made in my constellations.

5. Little openness to healthy dynamics

Time and again, I am faced with the same truth: the stand-ins show little to no willingness to engage in healing movements or to speak healing sentences. The system seems trapped in its own rigidity.

6. The female lineage is steeped in shame

No woman in my maternal line who has ever been represented in a constellation has managed to stand tall and look straight ahead. Almost always, she averts her gaze to the ground or even lies down. The women in my family system cannot meet anyone’s eyes — not even those of their own children.

They are too consumed by their own trauma to truly see who their children are. As a result, the children grow up feeling unseen and misunderstood. I have since come to accept that this is my truth: I will never truly be seen or understood by my mother or the women in my maternal line.

 

My task in this lifetime

Despite all the painful realisations my constellations have brought, I have also found something profoundly positive within them. Each constellation has not only revealed where the entanglements lie and what blocks the system, but also what is possible.

I have always known, deep down, that I did not want to live my life according to the dynamics, beliefs, and patterns of my family system. I want to do it differently — and I feel that truth in my very core.

Unconsciously, I have always resisted my family system; I am, after all, the “black sheep” who was eventually cast out. Strangely enough, in one of my most recent constellations, I received almost word-for-word the message I have been living for years: “Do it differently! Choose your own path and do it differently. That is how you honour us the most. Go, and live!”

That message moved me deeply. Although in real life in my family I was often ridiculed for doing things differently (a clear example of how shame gets passed on), the constellation field finally confirmed that my path was right.

Another stand-in said to me: “Dare to be vulnerable.” It felt like a warm invitation to step out of the harshness — one of the coping mechanisms passed from mother to daughter — and to allow myself to feel and express my emotions.

The work I am here to do is, above all, inner work. I would summarise it as follows:

• Healing personal and intergenerational trauma;

• Healing my own emotional wounds;

• Transforming beliefs about myself, others, and the world;

• Shaping a healthy sense of identity;

• Releasing survival strategies and choosing authentic responses instead of reactive ones;

• Allowing and daring to be my authentic self;

• Caring for myself — especially emotionally and mentally;

• Entering into real connection with others;

• Daring to choose myself, even when that means disappointing others;

• Leaving with the other what belongs to the other;

• And fully taking responsibility for my own life.

Today, I am not only a certified trauma coach but also a family constellations facilitator. In my next blog post, I will gladly share my most powerful insights from constellations — this time, from the perspective of the facilitator.