Breaking the silence: Healing from Maternal Narcissism and neglect – Part one
- An-Karlien
- Apr 13
- 6 min read
Introduction: My personal journey
Growing up, I was the daughter of a violent, narcissistic mother and an absent, alcoholic father. My mother was neglectful, viewing her children as extensions of herself, only acknowledging me when I served her needs. This upbringing left deep scars, but it also ignited a passion within me. As a certified trauma coach, I've chosen to focus on helping adult daughters of narcissistic mothers heal from the lifelong struggles caused by maternal narcissism and deprivation. My mission is to empower these women to break the cycle of abuse and raise emotionally healthy children.
Understanding Maternal Narcissism: The two faces
Dr. Karyl McBride, in her book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?", identifies two primary types of narcissistic mothers: the engulfing mother and the ignoring mother. While both types cause significant harm, their behaviors and the resulting impacts on their daughters differ.
The ignoring/neglectful mother: Emotionally unavailable, she ignores her child's needs, offering attention only when it serves her interests.
The engulfing/overbearing mother: Controlling and intrusive, she smothers her child, dictating every aspect of their life to maintain dominance.
Both dynamics are rooted in the mother's need to fulfill her emotional voids, often stemming from her unresolved traumas.
The ignoring mother
The ignoring mother is emotionally unavailable and dismissive. She neglects her child's emotional needs, often appearing indifferent or preoccupied. This mother may be physically present but emotionally absent, leaving her daughter feeling invisible and unworthy.
An adult daughter of a narcissistic mother once shared that her mother never attended her school events or acknowledged her achievements. She felt like a ghost in her own home, leading to chronic feelings of abandonment.
In Karyl McBride's book, “Will I ever be good enough?”, a client named Sarah recounts her experience: "My mother never noticed my achievements. I felt invisible, as if my existence didn't matter unless I was doing something for her."
Such neglect teaches daughters that their value is contingent upon their utility, not their inherent worth.
The engulfing mother
In contrast, the engulfing mother is overly involved, controlling, and intrusive. She sees her daughter as an extension of herself, imposing her own desires and expectations. This mother may appear loving but uses affection as a means of control.
Another woman described how her mother dictated every aspect of her life, from her clothing choices to her career path, leaving her feeling suffocated and devoid of personal identity.
McBride shares in her book the story of Lisa, who struggled under her mother's dominance: "My mother dictated my choices—from my clothes to my career. Any deviation was met with guilt and criticism."
This form of control masquerades as care, but it stifles the daughter's autonomy, leading to confusion and self-doubt.
Impact on the child: Internalizing dysfunction
Both types of maternal narcissism profoundly affect a child's development, shaping their self-perception and worldview.
Effects of the ignoring mother
Low self-worth: The child feels unimportant, leading to chronic self-doubt.
Emotional suppression: She learns to hide her feelings, believing they are invalid.
Attachment issues: Difficulty forming trusting relationships due to fear of abandonment.
Daughters often feel invisible, believing their needs are unimportant. They may develop low self-esteem and struggle with trust.
A woman recounted how she never cried as a child because she knew it wouldn't elicit comfort, resulting in emotional numbness in adulthood.
Effects of the engulfing mother
Loss of identity: The child struggles to distinguish her own desires from her mother's.
Perfectionism: She strives to meet unrealistic expectations to gain approval.
Fear of autonomy: Independence feels like betrayal, leading to dependency.
Daughters may feel suffocated, leading to anxiety and a lack of confidence in their decisions. They often fear failure and seek constant approval. One client of McBride shared that she pursued a career she disliked because her mother insisted it was the "right" choice, leaving her unfulfilled and resentful.
The adult daughter: Lingering shadows
As daughters of narcissistic mothers transition into adulthood, the shadows of their upbringing often persist, manifesting in various aspects of their lives. The specific challenges they face can differ based on whether their mother was neglectful or engulfing. However, there are also shared struggles that many of these women experience.
The neglected daughter: Seeking validation in all the wrong places
Growing up with a neglectful mother, these daughters often internalize the belief that they are unworthy of love and attention. This deep-seated feeling of inadequacy can lead them to seek validation from external sources. They might become overachievers, striving for perfection in their careers or personal lives, hoping that success will fill the void left by their mother's indifference.
Alternatively, they may find themselves in a series of unhealthy relationships, mistaking attention for affection, and repeating patterns of emotional unavailability.
For instance, one woman shared in McBride's book how she constantly sought approval from her supervisors at work, equating professional praise with personal worth. Despite numerous accolades, she never felt truly satisfied, always chasing the next achievement in hopes of feeling "good enough."
The dynamics daughters of ignoring mothers often have to deal with in their adult lives:
Relationship challenges: They may avoid intimacy or choose emotionally unavailable partners.
Self-sabotage: A pervasive belief of unworthiness hinders personal and professional growth.
Emotional dysregulation: Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions.
The engulfed daughter: Struggling to define self
Daughters of engulfing mothers often grapple with a lack of personal identity. Having been overshadowed by their mother's needs and expectations, they may find it challenging to distinguish their own desires and beliefs. This can result in difficulties making decisions, setting boundaries, or asserting themselves in relationships. They might also experience guilt when prioritizing their own needs, having been conditioned to always consider their mother's feelings first.
One woman recounted how, even in her 30s, she would consult her mother before making significant life choices, fearing disapproval. This dependence hindered her ability to develop autonomy and trust her own judgment.
The dynamics daughters of engulfing mothers often have to deal with in their adult lives:
Codependency: They may prioritize others' needs over their own, seeking validation through caretaking.
Impaired boundaries: Struggle to assert themselves, leading to exploitation.
Identity confusion: Uncertainty about personal goals and desires.
Shared struggles: The common threads
Regardless of the specific maternal dynamic, many adult daughters of narcissistic mothers share certain challenges:
Low self-esteem: A pervasive sense of not being "good enough" can lead to self-doubt and a lack of confidence in various areas of life.
Difficulty trusting others: Having experienced betrayal or emotional unavailability from their primary caregiver, these women may struggle to form trusting relationships.
Fear of abandonment: The inconsistent affection received during childhood can result in anxiety about being left or rejected by loved ones.
Perfectionism: In an attempt to gain approval, many strive for flawlessness, setting unattainable standards for themselves.
People-pleasing tendencies: A deep-seated need to be liked or accepted can lead to neglecting one's own needs in favor of others'.
Chronic guilt: Feeling responsible for their mother's emotions.
Imposter syndrome: Belief that they are frauds, despite achievements.
Fear of failure: Avoiding risks due to anticipated criticism.
Understanding these patterns is the first step toward healing. Recognizing the origins of these behaviors allows for the development of healthier coping mechanisms and the establishment of a more authentic self.
Coming to terms with the reality of a narcissistic mother—whether neglectful or engulfing—is never easy. It unearths buried pain, but it also opens the door to understanding. In this article, we’ve explored how maternal narcissism shows up, the double face it wears, and the lifelong impact it leaves on a daughter’s identity, sense of self-worth, and emotional wellbeing.
But this is only the beginning.
In Part two, we’ll take a compassionate look at the path toward healing: how adult daughters of narcissistic mothers can begin to repair their inner world, reconnect with their authentic selves, and break the cycle for good. Whether your experience was shaped by emotional neglect or enmeshment, healing is possible—and there are steps you can take today.
Ready to take the next step? Continue reading in Breaking the Silence: Healing from Maternal Narcissism and Neglect – Part Two.
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